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Filipino/Cebuano English Jokes For All

Welcome to "Pinoy Punchlines: The Funniest Filipino Jokes in English!"

Prepare to have your funny bone tickled and your laughter unleashed as we dive into the hilarity and wit of Filipino humor.

From puns that will make you groan (in a good way) to witty one-liners that will leave you in stitches, we've got it all.

So sit back, relax, and get ready to indulge in a side-splitting collection of jokes that will have you saying,

"Kumusta ka, kahit kinikilig ako sa katatawa!" (How are you, even though I'm giggling uncontrollably!)

Let the laughter begin, kabayan!

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Cover Girl

When I die I want to wear my sexiest outfit..... Coz’ when the time comes that you will see me lying in my coffin, I want you to smile while saying "BANGIS NG GAGA, PARANG COVER GIRL”

Who says English is easy?

Who says English is easy?

You won’t believe?

Then fill the blank with either YES or NO…

"OH ___, I am a monkey!”

See?

A gang decided to rob a bank

A gang decided to rob a bank…they opened every vault and found only cups of yogurt. So they ate it all…

Next day, in CNN news:

"BIGGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED!”

____________

use the word "among” in a sentence

Teacher: Class, use the word "among” in a sentence…

Juan: AMONG the trees, coconut is the best!

Teacher: Very Good! You Pedro?

Pedro: AMONG arenola gikawat sa nagbasa!

Hahahha

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A cute and funny way to ask someone out….

Boy: I’m invisible!

Girl: Owwwzzz? Talaga?

Boy: Can you see me?

Girl: syempre naman!

Boy: 7 pm tonight?

____________

What is LOVE ?

Love is romantic, fantastic, realistic, dramatic and full of atik – atik(lies).... dah lage

____________

" THE GUN.....

KAY NAAY IRO....” Agpas " the gun”(run) dayon

____________

Use chocolate in a sentence...

CHOCO NA LATE AKO....

___________

Your a certain person I always enjoy sending
Text messages coz I want you to feel that
You've really a part of my expenses...

Ay mali(sorry) THOUGHTS pala...

___________

I may not be with you everyday
But one thing I promise you...

I”ll be there on your wedding day, I’m going to sit beside you while saying...
" yes.... kaon na ni...(eating time!)

___________

Friends are like mirrors
They are our reflection
Busa ayaw katingala nganong hitsuraan ka...
Oh come on... friends baya tah...

___________

Kano : why you came late ?

Pedro : Juan, tabangi ko eninglish be. Ingna nagduha-duha ko ug lakaw kay ang adlaw hapon na.

Juan : I two by two walk because the sun is Japanese.

___________

Roses are red, skies are blue,
Monkeys like you, should be kept in zoo
Don’t get angry... you’ll find me their too...
Not in the cage, but laughing at you.

___________

PRAYER BEFORE MEALS :
Bless this FOOD, ako FOOD, siya FOOD, aron ang pagkaon
Ma aFOOD- aFOOD u gang sud-an maiguFOOD
Hangtud ang ngipon maFOOD-FOOD.... katawa FOOD

____________

Apo : LOLO look at those boats...
Erap : Nice diba iho, they are called yachts
Apo: How do you spell it?
Erap : Youre’re right iho, they’re boats.

___________

Teacher : What will change if the ice water turn into ice?
Student: The price, sir....

__________

Four catholic mothers are sitting around, bragging about their sons, each of whom is a priest.
First mother says: My son is a monsignor and when he walks in the room, people greet him: "Good morning Monsignor!”
Second mother says: Well, my son is a bishop and people greet him: "Good morning your Grace!”
Third mother says: Well, my son is a cardinal and people greet him: "Good morning you’re Eminence!”
The fourth mother pause and says: "My son is seven feet tall and is 350 pounds of pure muscles. When he walks outside, people greet him: "Oh My God!”

__________

Last night, I’m lying on my bed, looking up the sky and the stars,
the sky is so clean and the night is so peaceful;
at last I said..............
"Ginoo ko !!!asa naman among ATOP"

__________

I had a dream about you. Nasa heaven daw tayo with a cute angel, my angel was ugly, tampo 'ko. I ask St. Peter why cute angel mo. he replied, " Balance of Nature”.

__________

A husband coming home from a confession, suddenly he lifted his wife and carried her.
Wife: Why did the priest tell you to be romantic like this?
Husband: No, he told me to carry my cross!

__________

If only I’m an angel, I’ll protect you, I’ll lend you my wings. I’ll watch over you but I’m not an angel............ pero may hawig naman........,’DI BA ?!?

__________

With this message I would like to thank you for being such a nice friend to me.... I really appreciate your goodness and truthfulness, especially when you confirmed my.... CUTENESS !.

__________

Teacher : Use DOES and AMONG in the sentence.
Peter : AMONG the birds, only parrot DOES talk.
Teacher : Very good. Ikaw John.
John : When the cow DOESmag na AMONG ang lubi.

__________

A girl with her friends went to a bar.
When she read the sign saying : BELOW 18 NOT ALLOWED
The girl said : "nge" !!! uli na lang ta oy.... 10 ra man ta kabuok...

__________

American and a Filipino conversation.
American: Is that an apple you are eating?
Filipino: Yes.
American: You know, in States, only poor people eat an apple.
Filipino: Oh, is that true?
Is that a banana you are eating?
American: Yes.
Filipino: You know, in Philippines, only monkeys eat banana.

__________

Beauty Pageant:
Judge: What if you find that your boyfriend has AIDS, what will you do and why?
Contestant: I’ll still love him..
(everybody claps)
"coz, AIDS doesn't matter!, thank you".

__________

A Chinese lady can’t speak English. At the grocery, she wanted to buy pork leg, she showed her legs. Next day, she needed chicken breast, she showed her breast. On the third day, she brought along her husband because she wanted sausage. What did she do?
Oh, dirty-minded!
Her husband can speak English!!!.

__________

Teacher: Arnold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking even when people are no longer interested??
Arnold: A teacher!!!

__________

Wonder girls may say,
"I want nobody, nobody but you..”
Then, the boys will reply,
"I want your body, your body not YOU!!!"

__________

True bravery is to arrive home..
fully drunk from late night out and mom waiting with a broom in hand, then you asked:

"Hey mom, still cleaning?”

__________

Woman with a baby on a bus..
Driver: what an ugly baby!
The mother was hurt, she went to another seat.
The man next to her asked, "What’s wrong?”
Woman: The driver just insulted me.
Man: He should give you respect! Go get his name and I.D. number. I’ll hold your MONKEY for you! (LOL)

__________

Boy: I love you!
Girl: shut up
Boy: I want you!
Girl: shut up
Boy: I miss you!
Girl: shut up
Boy: Will you marry me?
Girl:` Really?
Boy: shut up! Mahal Bugas (rice is expensive)!!!

JOKES! JOKES! JOKES! MORE JOKES NEXT TIME!!!

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Here are some more Filipino jokes translated into Cebuano English:

1. Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing. (Nganong nagkulay-pula ang kamatis? Kay nakakita siya sa salad dressing.)

2. What do you call a deer with no eyes? No-eye-deer. (Unsaon nimo pagtawag sa usa nga wala'y mata? Wala'y-mata nga usa.)

3. Why did the bicycle fall over? Because it was two-tired. (Nganong naligsan ang bisikleta? Kay duha na ka kapoy.)

4. How does a mermaid wash her tail? With tide detergent. (Unsay pamaagi sa sirenang molaba sa iyang ikog? Gamit ang Tide detergent.)

5. Why don't scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything! (Nganong wala'y pagtuo ang mga syentipiko sa mga atom? Kay sila man ang nagporma sa tanan!)

6. Why don't skeletons fight each other? They don't have the guts. (Nganong dili mag-away ang mga eskeleto? Wala silay kaugalingong panit.)

7. What did one wall say to the other wall? "I'll meet you at the corner." (Unsa ang gisulti sa usa ka bungbong sa laing bungbong? "Magkita ta sa sulod.")

8. Why did the math book look sad? Because it had too many problems. (Nganong naghilak ang libro sa math? Kay daghan kaayo'g mga problema.)

9. How does a farmer count his cows? With a cow-culator. (Unsaon pag-ihap sa mag-uuma ang iyahang mga baka? Gamit ang cow-culator.)

10. Why was the math book sad after the summer vacation? Because it forgot all its problems. (Nganong naghilak ang libro sa math human sa summer vacation? Kay nalimot siya sa tanang mga problema.)

Remember, jokes are always better when shared with a smile! Enjoy the laughter, mga higala!